Memoirs
by RaevenWynter
Summary: (YAOI) Xelloss' PoV. Xelloss thoughts on his relationship with Zelgadiss. Xelloss/Zelgadiss


Author: KitsuneReia  
Title: Memoirs  
Pairings: Xelloss x Zelgadiss  
Warnings: Xelloss bastardization? *ducks flying food by products* Gomen?   
Umm, sap/angst... waff? *sighs* I don't know what category to put it in..   
admit. Xelloss' POV, that should scare you. I wrote this when I was   
dropping off my little girl at the airport. She left me to go live with her   
father. I write better when I am depressed. I will admit it. But.. that   
was harsh. I was in the car back home and the whole fic kept replaying in   
my head till I wrote it down.  
Disclaimer: Kenka made me say it out loud... "I d.. don't own.. it.."   
There, I said it, happy? I can pretend right?  
Feedback: Hell ya! Good or bad, send to kitsune_reia@h...  
  
***  
  
At first it was just another conquest. Another notch in my belt. Trust   
me, I have enough. If I were to keep count that way I wouldn't have much of   
a belt left, about an inch of leather would be remaining. I started on this   
path after her. After she died. It brought comfort to me. After all, it   
was just sex. I had loved her and she had died. And I had killed her.   
Yes, I did say loved. What? You didn't think I could love? I didn't think   
so either until I met her. She was perfect. Was, now she is dead. I didn't   
think I would ever love again. And I kept my sex life busy with new people   
to ensure that.  
  
At first he was just another conquest. Don't get me wrong, he isn't the   
only good looking one in the group. Lina, she may be small chested but her   
fiery attitude would make many mazoku fall to their knees and beg their   
master's to keep her, Gourry, cute in his dumb child sort of way... not that   
I would want to be thinking of a child while boning someone. Ameria...   
no..... no way. I may have been with lots of people, mazoku and even   
dragons, but no way in the nine hells. Too childish, too annoying would be   
the word I am searching for. Martine... same thing I said about Ameria, you   
wonder if they are related, it must be a princess thing. But Zelgadiss, he   
had attracted me when I first met his eyes. I could tell, he would be a   
hard one to rope. And I was up for the challenge. I wanted to make him   
whimper my name, I wanted to make him beg for me to take him. He did. And   
I did.  
  
Zelgadiss has his past, I have mine, and we don't talk about it much. And   
I know why. I know a lot more than I let on. People think I am just a   
joker, but I watch them. And I know. My mask falls when I enter my tent at   
night and gets put back on when I leave it in the morning. Though I would   
never admit it out loud I am more fragile that some of those in our little   
'posse'.  
  
I remember that first night with Zelgadiss like it was yesterday. He slept   
in my tent that night. He fell asleep with tears on his beautiful face. He   
was just a conquest, and he knew it. I don't know how he knew but he did.   
I felt bad. I rarely feel bad for something I do, and then, I had felt bad.   
It didn't take me long to figure out why. I had done it again. I had   
accidentally tripped and fallen down that one-way road. The road to love.   
I had fallen in love again.  
  
It had angered me at first, for the second time in my life I had let   
someone get under my skin. And he would die too, I knew it then, I still   
know it now. Everyone I love dies, and usually by me. I know, just as I   
knew then, that I would kill him. Emotionally? Physically? I still don't   
know. But he will die and it will be my fault, again.  
  
I recall pacing around the tent, shaking my head, thinking, 'No, no, no' I   
remember it like it was yesterday. Just like I remember everything else   
about that night. I finally calmed down enough to climb into bed. When I   
laid down I found him already attaching himself to me. Who would have   
thought that Zel was a cuddly sleeper. He is, and I know, no one else   
knows. I know because he loves me. And he told me. I remember brushing   
away his hair and kissing him on the cheek, where the tear had slipped   
before.  
  
I said I love you once to him. That night, and he wasn't even awake. I   
didn't want him to hear, I didn't want him to know. I know he knows now.   
He still doesn't know I said it once and he doesn't have to. He somewhere   
knows I do. I don't plan on ever voicing the fact, taking away all his   
doubts, he will know until the day he dies. And I will know forever. I   
love him. Just as I once loved her. It is a different kind of love, but   
still love. And I don't think I would give it up for anything.  
  
***  
  
Umm, do you like? Comments? Anyone? *shakes her head* I wrote this while   
really depressed. But I think it turned out ok, at least for my first real   
Slayers fic. And especially for my first ever POV story.  



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